I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
