ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
the raccoons are back...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
