I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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