Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
