Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's blow job season.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
