is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
