wakey wakey hands off snakey
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
