there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
