he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
