did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
