you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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