Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
