I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
