I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
