So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
