it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Semen is not good for contacts.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
