i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
