Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
