dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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