I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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