Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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