I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
