hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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