Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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