every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
