You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
