just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize