When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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