her vagine was all disorganized.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
