u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
