Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
