I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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