So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
