This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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