He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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