So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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