It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
