what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
