I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Randomize
