you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
