U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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