If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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