I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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