Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I wish there were birth control emojis
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
