when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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