dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
