I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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