We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
