thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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