So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
