my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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