she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
