Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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