My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
