A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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